Hello 40: (I Hear It's the New 20)
I’ve been looking forward to turning 40 since I was in my mid-20s. If you would have told me then that I could have skipped my 30s, I 💯 would have done it. I’m not going to get into all the reasons why. It doesn’t matter at this point. Because you know what? I didn’t get to skip my 30s. But I got through them, as rough as they were at times, and soldiered on…all for the reward of turning FORTY. *Cue angelic chorus.*
I’m not being the least bit sarcastic. I never liked the idea of being 30, but I looooved the idea of 40. For me, 40 means freedom. It means my kids are no longer toddlers and are, therefore, more independent and fun. 40 means I am an established professional. It means I can travel more, be a little more adventurous, and that many of the worries I had at 30 simply don’t exist anymore. Some of this, in many ways, is probably purely psychological. Because the best gift of being 40 is that I am so secure in who I am that I just don’t care about 90% of the things that I did at 30. I can’t begin to describe the incredible freedom that comes with this.
But for as hyped as I’ve been to turn 40, I was struggling a bit yesterday as I assessed whether my life is where I want it to be as I enter this new decade today. In so many ways, today does not look like what I thought it would…
10 years…
6 months…
or 3 weeks ago (thank you, coronavirus 🦠).
For a solid hour yesterday I found myself spiraling in my own self-doubt and grieving those “losses” of what might or should have been as I reflected back on earlier moments in time and what I thought my life would look like today. But then I was struck with a moment of realization that I hadn’t “lost” anything. Those were decisions I had made. Thoughtful and deliberate choices along the way that have brought me to this day. (Okay, to be fair, I didn’t choose a global pandemic. That one’s on someone else. But stick with me here.)
And as quickly as the negative thoughts had started to enter, I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that my life does not look like what I thought it would…
10 years…
6 months…
or 3 weeks ago.
(Again, wouldn’t mind if I were leaving for NYC with my kids tomorrow as planned, but it’s not the point.) I am so insanely blessed. Far more than I deserve. And I’m not being trite or cliché. In fact, my momentary wallowing yesterday was followed by…
A group text with my some of my best girlfriends planning the most ridiculous Zoom birthday party, complete with 90s prom and wedding dresses, because they think my 40th birthday shouldn’t be any less fabulous just because we’re in quarantine;
A series of exciting and productive work meetings, amidst all this uncertainty, reminding me how much I have to be grateful for with not only my career but, specifically, my company, its leadership and the clients we serve;
Finding several cards in the mail from thoughtful friends who took the time to send a birthday note;
A tutorial from one of my best friends who took time from her day to teach me how to use a new tool that could help me work remotely with my team more efficiently;
A refreshing Women’s Business Forum meeting on Zoom with my best business ladies…these meetings and these women have become just what my mind and soul need every other week and yesterday was no exception;
A text from my mom (still) hoping we’ll be able to gather for Easter;
A video from my sweet niece and nephew with their best rendition of “Happy Birthday” for me;
A Facetime call from my brother;
A text from friends to schedule Zoom birthday drinks;
Texts from my kids soooo excited about what they’ve planned for my birthday; and
Reconnecting unexpectedly with a once-best-friend after losing touch several years ago.
I. Am. Blessed. I have my health, I have two beautiful, healthy kids, so many amazing friends who are better to me than I could ever deserve, both parents still with me, a brother and his kids who are good to me, an incredible job that I love…if I never have anything more, this would be enough. And yet, there are things I still want in life! I am ambitious and driven and always striving to accomplish more. I have goals and dreams and important things my heart still longs for.
But I was reminded this morning that it’s okay to have both. To be grateful for the blessings, and still have the longings and hopefulness for more to come. And I was specifically reminded of God’s goodness in all of this. At the end of last year, I stumbled upon a podcast called The Bible Recap which guides you through a chronological reading of the entire Bible in one year. So, naturally, I conned some of my friends into doing this podcast with me, and for the past three months, we’ve been trudging through some really exciting books like Leviticus and Numbers with all kinds of ancient laws and genealogies. 😬🤪
In today’s reading, however, the Israelites had finally come into the Promised Land and had received their tribal allotments of land. The last verse of this morning’s reading was this: “Not one word of all the good promises that the Lord had made to the house of Israel had failed; all came to pass” (Joshua 21:45). After hundreds of years had passed since His initial covenant to them, and 40 years of wandering in the desert following their deliverance from slavery, God made good on His promises to them.
As I mentioned in my first post, I have been on this journey of rediscovering my faith over the last year or two. It’s all over the place most days! But as I enter this new decade today, this passage was such a good and timely reminder for me.
So cheers to another decade! 🥂🎉 It’s definitely off to an interesting start…hopefully the next 9.5 years are a little less weird! 😜😎